Humor Quotes Quotes

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"All generalizations are false, including this one."

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance."

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me."

"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you."

"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat."

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

"Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement."

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"One picture is worth 1,000 denials."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?"

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."

"A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists."

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."

"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."

"I never said most of the things I said."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."

"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me."

"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."

"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty."

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."

"There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory."

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."

"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."

"He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I have never been hurt by what I have not said."

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends."

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

"The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."

"I'm for whatever gets you through the night."

"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."

"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money."

"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."

"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet."

"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."

"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."

"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands."

"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."

"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."

"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups."

"A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers."

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."

"The superfluous, a very necessary thing."

"The next time you have a thought... let it go."

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"

"It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat."

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions."

"If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth."

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"All men are equal before fish."

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside."

"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange."

"Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race."

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?"

"Men are only as loyal as their options."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun."

"You're only as good as your last haircut."

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."

"Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn."

"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

"All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911."

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

"You see much more of your children once they leave home."

"One man's folly is another man's wife."

"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."

"I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair."

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

"TV is chewing gum for the eyes."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!"

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

"If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents."

"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell."

"Never fight an inanimate object."

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut."

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."

"We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect."

"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did."

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."

"Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

"Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car."

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

"Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative."

"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."

"That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard."

"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"

"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

"The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion."

"Polite conversation is rarely either."

"If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer."

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything."

"As I get older, I just prefer to knit."

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."

"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."

"Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object."

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior."

"Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering."

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."

"I like marriage. The idea."

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?"

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"Communism is like one big phone company."

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."

"There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice."

"Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?"

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."

"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine."

"I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose."

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."

"Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself."

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

"It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

"When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life."

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

"Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of."

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."

"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."

"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf."

"The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder."

"Never put a sock in a toaster."

"We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast."

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."

"I wish I had the nerve not to tip."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."

"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."

"I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry."

"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."

"I can speak Esperanto like a native."

"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"

"Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint."

"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."

"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."

"Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?"

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there."

"I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host."

"I think serial monogamy says it all."

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

"The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere."

"My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra."